Almost every addict will have at least one moment where they ask themselves if its worth it to keep fighting. Maybe it’s after a really bad bender. You’re exhausted, depressed, and don’t see a way out.
It certainly happened to me. I had just messed up a project at work and been confronted by my boss and was tweaking out on the car ride home. I was completely burnt out, hadn’t slept in days, and desperately wanted to take more drugs.
I got home and got into a fight with my wife. I don’t remember what it was about, but I’m sure I wasn’t making much sense. At the end of it, she threatened to leave and stormed out. There was nothing else for me to do but to get high, I remember thinking.
It felt like the floor was falling out from under me. I had no stability, nothing to stop what felt like a freefall. I thought I was going to lose my job and my marriage at the same time. That’s when the thoughts of suicide began to creep in. I felt that my life had no more purpose besides drugs. And I didn’t see how this would ever change.
The thoughts wouldn’t stop, no matter what I tried. I drank, took more drugs, and the thoughts continued to spiral out of control. I pictured myself doing it, something I had never done before.
But then I got a message from a friend. It wasn’t much and had nothing to do with my addiction or suicidal feelings, but it calmed me down enough that I was able to fall asleep.
A New Day
And then the next day the suicidal feeling was gone. Or at least it wasn’t as intense. The only thing I had done was to sleep and sober up a little. I was able to see that I had reasons to live, people that loved me, goals I still wanted to achieve. I felt like I had a future.
What You Can Do
I can’t give a solution that works for everyone, but here are some things you might try:
- Try to get to bed. The feeling may not go away, but a new day can help you get your feet back under you
- Reach out to a friend or loved one. It can be hard to want to talk to anyone, but sometimes just the sound of someone else’s voice can make a big difference
- Tell yourself that the thoughts are temporary. Instead of trying to force them away, it can sometimes be more useful to accept that they are there, but they will go away with time
I wish I could say this advice will work for all of you, or that it would do more, even when it does work. But I can tell you that I was able to find meaning again, even after the darkest moment of my life. I made it through, and I am glad every day that I did.